"I think I could be really happy with for a really long time."
::just stares::
"what?"
"Nothing. Its a thought for another time."

I'm not really sure what he means by that. he was happy so i know it wasn't anything bad. Idk. At least he had a good birthday. I made him cupcakes, a mixed CD and gave him my fav rubber duckie. I know, totally 80s of me. I just felt bad that i'm poor and didn't have anything to give him. He loved it. I had really hoped that he would. My gift was from the heart at the very least. I'm glad I made his birthday good.

He talked me into doing something on valentine's day. I'm really not into the holiday at all but he is a sap and i'm ok with indulging him.

Grades

B+, B+, B-, A-. My first semester of grad school. I didn't fail anything. I did...very well. Omg. I finished my first semester of grad school with a 3.3 gpa, i just...idk...i.... ********SSSSSSSQQQQQQQQQUUUUUUUEEEEEEEEEEEEE************

Love

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."
-St. Augustine


I really believe this quote. I found it on the internet while trying to help cait find some quotes for her fb page. It really fit for my life as it stands now and my friends. Even the ones who have passed on. there are some people who will never be separate from you. No matter how many years you spend apart or not talking you can always reconnect because you are one, not two separate being. I think this quote really helped me with A. He and I can completely sever all ties and never speak again. We aren't one. We are two very different and separate trees. Now D on the other hand, I don't think i could ever be separate from. All that is left is for time to tell me if he is a love or a friend tree.

update

"i have to go take a shower. I'll be back soon" he says. What do I think? dear god I wish I was in that shower with you @_@


I'm really glad he is back though. I missed him a lot more than I would have thought. Vacation is going to suck a lot without him. It's going to be a lot of people trying to push me back into something i don't want to be in. A had a year and a half to change his ways and he didn't. I warned him time and time again and he just laughed it off. Well now he has to deal with his decision. I am so much happier now than i have ever been in the past. I have a man who cooks for me because he wants to. D is nice to me and i don't have to force him to hold my hand in public. he doesn't change when people are around or treat me like crap. He likes to snuggle and makes me smiles all the time. He calls me. And leaves me cute messages. He is encouraging and helps me relax. He actually thinks of my needs in addition to, and most of the time, before his own. Oh and we got on dates and have fun. Not one of them ended in me being angry, sad or crying. Not once did i have to tell him not to drink or embarrass me. D might just be the best thing to happen to me.

My thumb is getting better. I haven't been wearing a brace while i'm at work. Using it is really hard. it's weird. I have to try and make a brace that will work for fencing since getting hit could hurt it more. Going to bring my brace on vacation cause god only knows what Bryan has planned for me. i already have to pack a mudding outfit.

I miss my friends and really want to get together with people. Like i wish it would stop snowing so i could have people over. Like just a guys night of beer and video games. maybe movies. idk.

I'm trying to get more drawings done. a lot of people on deviant art keep asking me to post more so i guess i'm good? or at least people like what i do. I don't think i'm that good.

I have a ridiculous amount of laundry to do tomorrow. Like 4 loads to do and about 8 loads to put away. It's that bad. I'm so over tired from working like 9 hours a day everyday. looking forward to tomorrow and tuesday off.

ugh

A doesn't get the hint that things are over. my mental state is just way over worked. i'm not sure how people can deal with me.



i'm not sure how much longer i can pretend like i don't like him. I don't really know what to do with any of this.

i've been going through a lot of stuff lately and i'm not sure how to handle it all. the process is literally causing so much chaos in my that i'm extremely confused even by simple gestures like a back rub for the extremely tense shoulder muscles I have. I know that in the end this is all for the best and i'll be able to not have to walk through a dark forest and worry about myself. It all needs to be said and addressed. I just feel so manic these days. I'm extremely happy and snuggly or just horrid. I can't wait for all this emotional crap to be done with.

on a side note it's a good learning experience for me to see how loved I am and that i actually have real friends.

First Post

So I'm giving blog spot a try because there are a lot of things I want to say without having to worry about lj friends.